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Well, here it is: my rant page, part 1. Listed here are things
that piss me off to no end. If it gets some viewer feedback, you might see more
of the same! So here it is.
WARNING: This rant contains coarse language. If you are not
legally allowed to watch R or NC-17 movies, please return to the homepage. YOU
HAVE BEEN WARNED!!! Nothing is censored.
The Charmin Bears
 Almost no advertising campaigns piss me off more than the Charmin bears. I
mean, WHY is there a family of bears out in the middle of the forest dancing
about TOILET PAPER?! Where the hell do they GET it?! Robbing campers? Seriously. And I can't imagine even the
Charmin "Mega Roll"
toilet paper standing up to a mighty bear shit. Bears are huge, and so is their
shit. And WHY should I buy toilet paper that costs a mint and a half anyways?! I
just go to Sam's Club and I buy a bulk pack of economy toilet paper. Brand-name T.P.
is like wiping your ass on money; you're just throwing cash away that could've
been spent on something better like a PSP or gasoline. Give me Mr. Whipple and Adam Savage any day of
the week instead of those damned bears.
The Verizon Wireless Promo Guy
 If there's anyone in the world who I want to bitch-slap more than anyone
else, it's him. Everywhere he goes it's the same thing. "Can you hear me now?"
"Can you hear me now?" YES I CAN FUCKING HEAR YOU!!!! I'm not even going into
the fact that Verizon Wireless sucks compared to TracPhone.
The Vonage theme song
"woo hoo, w oo
hoo hoo..." DAMN that's annoying! Not to mention the video
clips they play with the song as background music. It just looks like America's
Funniest Home Videos from Hell or something. I mean if they really wanted people
to subscribe to broadband phone service, they should show something besides a
kid throwing a baseball bat at a plate-glass window. I'm just glad there's no
Bob Saget jokes in them.
Popups
 I FUCKING HATE POPUPS!!! Everywhere you turn on the web these days it's "FREE
MONEY 4U!!!!" and "Take out a home equity loan!!!!!" Now seriously. "Free
money"? There's no such thing. Nothing in this world is free anymore but air and
sunlight. And I don't even OWN A HOUSE!! So HOW can I take out a loan on a
building that I DON'T HAVE THE DEED TO? Seriously. Not to mention all the
crapware some install on your computer.
Everquest
 Now I'm not going to go into how much these "pay-as-you-go" online RPG's
suck. (because clearly free ones like the Kingdom of Loathing are waay more fun)
I have had the displeasure of dealing with people who play this game as almost a
replacement for real life. I have actually lost contact with people for weeks
because they got hooked on this dumb game. There have been reports of people
pissing and shitting in 7-11 Big Gulp cups because they don't want to miss 2
minutes of their precious gameplay. And paying 50 dollars on eBay for Everquest
items... COME ON! Get OUT of your parents' basements and get a REAL LIFE!
Reality TV
 What the FUCK is so real about 39 people stranded on a desert island who have
to survive on insects and rodents while a film crew eats cooler after cooler of
roast beef grinders 10 feet away? It makes absolutely no sense. I have
personally never seen anyone go off into the forest with no supplies and live
off of ants and bear shit. My view of "reality TV" would be a TV show about a
guy who does nothing but sit in front of the TV watching someone cook spaghetti.
That would be real "reality TV".
Microsoft
 Microsoft is the Disney of the computer industry. Everywhere you turn, it's
MS WORD, POWERPOINT, EXCEL, INTERNET EXPLORER!! Well let me tell you something,
all you computer "jeenuses" out there... MICROSOFT IS NOT THE ONLY ANSWER!!! I
have 2 computers that run just fine, with not even a trace of that steaming pile
of shit MS passes off as an operating system on them. Yes, a far superior system
is LINUX!! There are literally thousands of versions of it out there, so you're
bound to find one that suits your needs. What about productivity software you
ask? What about your precious Office? Well go to
www.openoffice.org and download their
software. it does EVERYTHING that MS Office does, it can even open and save
Office
files. The one major difference: IT'S FREE!!! Nearly ALL the programs for Linux
on the Internet are free, from web browsers to word procesors to 3d rendering
software. Really, there's no reasdon why stores like CompUSA can't sell $100 PCs
with Linux and OpenOffice on them.
Movie Remakes
 God these really piss me off. Shameless movie studios dig up heir old films
and re-enact the sets and plot. Just look at the original Bad News Bears.
It was a classic. Then they ruined it by making The Sandlot, a remake
under a different name, and The Sandlot 2, a sequel to a remake. Now
they're remaking it AGAIN with the new Bad News Bears. And just
look at the shit Hollywood is producing from classic TV. yes, I'm attacking the
new movie, The Dukes of Hazzard. The original TV series by the same name
was funny, if a bit corny. The remake is vulgar, explicit, and the new cast look
NOTHING like the TV cast. Seriously. Boss Hogg is supposed to be fat, not some
skinny guy. And just how revealing and suggestive will they get with the Daisy
character? It was never supposed to be like that. Whenever I see anything
referring to the original series, I'll jus think of the original cast, not the
trashy, sleazy movie of 2005.
New Cell Phones
 Man I am SICK AND TIRED of new cell phones. They take pictures. They make
movies. They play games, manage stocks, balance your checkbook, and send tiny
shreds of sentences to each other. Um... hello?! What happened to TALKING ON
THEM?! My cell phone is a Nokia 282, ca. 1999. I bought it at Ames for 100
bucks, and all itr does is pick up , dial, and let me talk. THAT'S ALL A PHONE
NEEDS TO DO!!! I mean, text messaging is stupid. It costs you a fucking DIME to
send "hay how r u?" to someone. Yoiu have to use that crippled version of
English called AIMspeak to communicate with people. If you want to know how
someone is, just dial their number and CALL THEM!
AIMspeak
 It took me forever to figure out this crippled version of what was once the
English language. And now it still doesn't make sense. I mean what's the big
deal about pressing a couple extra keys on the keyboard? Instead of "hay how r
u?" what's so hard about writing "Hey! How are you?" AIMspeak can
make anyone look like a retarded 12-year-old online. Not to mention all the
hacker backdoors and viruses it has associated itself with. AIM can go fuck itself for
all I care.
Scions
I cannot think of a crappier car. They're nothing more than Toyota Camrys
with a new body panel set. While the camry is a halfway decent car, they really
don't compare to, say, a Chevy or a Honda or a Ford. To tell you the truth I'd rather
drive an old '72 Datsun with a manual transmission. (Actually a manual isn't too
bad, but the old Datsun my mom had reportedly shifted like the devil.) I
wouldn't be caught dead driving one of these boxy riceburners.
SUVs
 There's ABSOLUTELY NO NEED for SUVs. Everywhere you turn, there's a 4-Runner.
Or a Hummer H2. Or a Ford Explorer. There is absolutely NO NEED for these
things. They are really unsafe, they roll over much easier than other types of
vehicles, and you can fit just as many people in a minivan or a station wagon.
And the fuel mileage? forget about it! The average mileage for a Hummer H2 is
in the single digits, be it on the highway or in the city. I've seen WINNEBAGOES that have better mileage! But I don't
really care. I get about 38 MPG city with my Saturn SL1. (I think it's been a
few months since I refueled.)
So there's my rant. If I build up enough rage I might write another.
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